Bitter irony
by simply-a-freak
Summary: "If you can't get what you want, obsess over it, follow it and try to catch the one chance you want, need in fourteen years, then decide to end your life, along with your best friend's in one quick idiotic selfish plan at the age of twenty one."


Perhaps I never really mattered to you, perhaps you just stayed with me because you felt like you had to.. perhaps I'm dreaming that you're here with me, as you always have been in this imagination of mine..  
>Perhaps it's wrong to doubt our friendship, to doubt the reason we're together to begin with.<p>But I don't care, I've kept these questions inside of me for too long, yeah, five years is a pretty damned long time. I don't know how to start this, but I already have haven't I? I'll just keep going, not knowing where this is gonna take me but..again, just what you always say.."what's the worst thing that could happen?"<p>

I wonder sometimes if things were different, if I wasn't third at Wammy's, would you have talked to me at all?  
>I wonder if I didn't piss you off every chance I got would you have noticed me?<br>I wonder if Near wasn't there, you didn't meet him, never knew him, would you have beaten me up instead?  
>I wonder if I told you the truth about my past, the shit I've really gone through, would you have gone easier, more gentle on your broken friend?<br>I wonder, I wonder , I wonder..

I ask myself questions about you everyday, 'what if's crossing my mind over and over and I try not to think about them, I really do, but I'm curious by nature and I can't stop thinking about that..

What if you'd just look away from what you're so focused on for a second.  
>What if you'd just look my way once and not because you have to.<br>What if you'd just thought before you acted, if you haden't left your feelings control you, dominate your mind, fill you with anger, sadness, pain.  
>What if I told you how much you've always mattered to me?<br>What if I told you I don't see you like everyone does, I don't see you like the hot headed blond with an inferiority complex, or the friend I must stay with because I have no one.  
>What if I told you I can see who you are, I can see how broken, pained, hurt your soul is.<br>What if I told you I feel the tears your heart bleeds onto your soul, rather than the tears you always held back in your eyes.  
>What if.. what if I told you, from the very start, that I would die for you, follow you 'till the end, follow my leader, you, Mello, you've always led the way since we were kids and I wasn't gonna let that stop.<br>What if I told you I have looked all over the world for you, that I've never gotten over you like I claimed I have.  
>What if I held you in my arms, in that tight hug I've always wanted from you, that night when you finally came back to me, burnt, scarred, first thing I thought was, a part of the scars you carried on your soul almost all your life has reached the surface, became known for the word to see, but you never let your weak side take over for long, you made a cicatrice that disfigured your beautiful body, a known attachment to the word Mello, a sign of strength, determination, survival..<br>What if, I stopped you from the self-destruction road you so freely fell into, by choice of course, you didn't really care as long as you reached your goal, beat your rival, Near, avenge L, bring Kira to justice. All that was bullshit, you just didn't like feeling unimportant, feeling disposable, second never felt right for you, you wanted to be the best, you wanted to be the one to look down at others and crush them. You wanted power, you wanted that life Near had.  
>Goddammit, most of the time when I think I want to protect you from the world, I almost forget that you yourself are the biggest danger you'll ever meet.<p>

You brought yourself down, you drove yourself insane, it was always easy for me to change what I wanted, if you can't get what you want, try wanting something you can get. But that was never the case with you, it was more likely. "if you can't get what you want, obsess over it, follow it and try to catch the one chance you want, need in fourteen years, then decide to end your life, along with your best friend's in one quick idiotic selfish plan at the age of twenty one."

What if..  
>What if this note I'm leaving will be read by you before we go on seperate ways?<br>What if these words I'm saying will reach out to your heart and make you feel something other than anger?  
>What if just this once Mello, you'll listen to my muffled cries of sadness?<br>What if you just come with me and walk away from all this shit, just once, this one time is all I ask for, just leave what you think you want behind you and walk past it, as if this never happened?  
>What if you'd understand that what I feel for you goes beyond selflessness friendship and loyalty?<br>What if just before you hop on that bike of yours and drive away, you'd wonder why I've always followed you, always been there for you, always broke down for the two of us, cried your tears, silenced your sobs with mine, fell to my knees in front of you, gave my all to you.  
>What if..<p>

What if...

What if...

What if I don't carry this letter with me to my grave, I bet that would give your reading it more chance huh?

It's pointless these questions I ask. Because in the end, this is reality, all the shit mentioned up there never happened, never will, fucking reality, I hate it, every single little detail about it.

Maybe one day, someone will find this, read it, know exactly what I wanted to tell you but I couldn't-can't.

I'd never write let alone speak those three word.

I'd rather get shot multiple times, drawn in a pool of my own blood, watch through fogs of unconsciousness as my killers mock me, walk away from me, like I am a worthless shit.  
>I am aren't?<br>Ironic..or is it? 


End file.
